Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Note: Oh no...one of the Myanmar junta generals just cracked a nail. Life is so unfair!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Montana and South Dakota primaries: 13
Days 'til summer: 30
Increase in airline fuel efficiency between 2000 and 2006: 23%
Increase in motor vehicle fuel efficiency in the same period: 2%
(Source: DOT via USA Today)
Amount Rudy Giuliani's campaign spent to win one Republican delegate: $48 million
Amount it would have cost him to win the nomination at that rate, expressed as a percentage of Bill Gates' net worth: 97%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of times in the past week that Jenna Bush has shouted, "Henry, where's my goddam supper!!?": 3
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 170 (including 1 newly-elected Democratic congressman from Mississippi and 1 sneaky suspicion that The Rapture might be bullshit). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Just a guess, but I'd say this pooch is a die-hard Democrat.
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CHEERS to gettin' lucky in Oregucky. No surprises in yesterday's primaries. Hillary won in the "Weed grows in this state like a weed" state (3 million votes to 7), and Barack easily won the "You Want Hemp? We Got Hemp!" state. Now it's off to Montana and South Dakota, where the gloves will come off. Mainly because the voters' fingers have finally thawed out.
P.S. Reminder to Pat Buchanan and all the other trouble-making pundits who keep suggesting Obama can't win the general election:
MR. STEPHANOPOULOS: But the question is, do you think Senator Obama can do that? Can he win?
SENATOR CLINTON: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Suck on that, you twits.
JEERS to unacceptable diagnoses. Doctors say 76 year-old Senate stalwart and progressive hero Ted Kennedy has a malignant glioma in his brain. I say he deserves a second opinion, and here it is: No, he doesn’t. And that's that. (Wow, this Ronco Denial-O-Matic works great.)
JEERS to cheap take-backs. Remember the Republican mantra: States rights, States rights, States rights. Well, here's the hidden corollary: Unless it's inconvenient to big bid'ness:
The head of the Environmental Protection Agency initially supported giving California and other states full or partial permission to limit tailpipe emissions---but reversed himself after hearing from the White House, a report said Monday. The report by the Democratic staff of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee cites sworn depositions by high-level EPA officials. It amounts to the first solid evidence of the political interference alleged by Democrats and environmentalists since Administrator Stephen Johnson denied California's waiver request in December.
Johnson's decision also blocked more than a dozen other states, including Maine, that wanted to follow California's lead and regulate greenhouse gas emissions from cars and trucks. It was applauded by the auto industry and supported by the White House, which has opposed mandatory caps on greenhouse gas emissions. A White House spokeswoman denied interference.
Something about that denial makes me suspicious. Probably the Honk If You Love Smog t-shirt she was wearing.
CHEERS to the Coleman Slayer. Happy birthday to the next Democratic senator from Minnesota, Al Franken, who turns 57 today. He's running what appears to be a textbook populist campaign, as evidenced by this article in the Granite Falls Advocate-Tribune:
"[Franken] wanted to come out and be on the farm and talk about farming and the farm program and federal crop legislation," said [farmer Tim] Velde. ... "I got the real sense that he is serious in what he is doing and I felt very confident in his approach to things and his commitment to getting information from the people who are going to be affected."
In lieu of the birthday bottle of rum which we accidentally drank last night, we sent him a $25 campaign donation...a dollar for each year minus my $32 courtesy fee.
CHEERS to broads at the ballot box. Ninety years ago, in 1918, the House of Representatives passed the amendment that gave women voting rights. The white-hairs at the Country Club are still fuming in their scotch.
JEERS to cluster-you-know-whats. Fairpoint Communications was recently given the green light to take over Verizon's phone lines in Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont, despite widespread concerns that they were just too small for the job (and the financials made no sense---they're now in debt up to their eyeballs). Well, they've been at the helm for two months, and they've already fucked up royally:
FairPoint Communications executives accepted responsibility Monday for software and customer service problems that caused prolonged gaps in 911 service for some Cumberland County residents. "We are embarrassed. We have lost your confidence, and understandably so," said John Smee, director of network operations for FairPoint. ...
It was the third time in a month that residents of 17 communities in the county could not complete 911 calls for more than a half-hour. FairPoint officials believe, but are not 100 percent sure, that a computer networking problem was to blame for a total of seven computer system failures at the emergency call center since mid-April.
Gee, perhaps this could've been avoided if the state had done its job during the vetting process. But I guess that would be too much to ask:
The state Public Utilities Commission did not review FairPoint's ability to provide 911 service during the lengthy public hearings that preceded approval of the takeover, according to PUC spokesman Fred Bever.
Moral of the story for Mainers: stay healthy.
JEERS to unexpected descents. Criminals are getting more brazen in this country as the price of metal soars. For the last year or so we've read accounts of thieves stealing copper wiring from every place imaginable (like a mile of Portland's streetlights along our Eastern Promenade). Now comes the news that they're ripping off manhole covers:
The cast iron covers, which typically weigh between 100 and 200 pounds, are being taken by opportunistic thieves responding to the increased value of scrap metal and the burgeoning demand for recycled metals in China, India, South Korea and other developing nations. In 2001 scrap metal sold for $77 a ton. In 2004 it was $300 per ton, and today it's nearly $500. Stealing the covers is usually a two- or three-man operation, police say, in which the thieves yank the covers out of their holes with crowbars, throw them in the backs of vans or trucks, and take them to scrap metal yards, where they get only $10 to $20 per cover. ...
This epidemic is not just limited to manhole covers. ... The beer industry estimates that it is losing some $50 million in stolen stainless steel kegs every year.
They're going after our beer kegs??? This means WAR.
CHEERS to partying parties. On this date in 1832, the first Democratic National Convention got under way in Baltimore. The top issue was Andrew Jackson's contempt for the Second Bank of the United States. And there was this curious factoid:
[T]he Summary of the Proceedings notes that a delegation was sent to ask Charles Carroll of Carrollton to attend. At that moment in time, he was the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence. Carroll declined, citing ill health. (He died later that year.)
But the highlight was Martin Van Buren's Veep speech, delivered while sucking helium from red, white and blue balloons. "His voice doth emit a humorous tone. Guffaw, I say! Guffaw!" Wild times.
JEERS to spoiling our fun. New York Congressman Vito Fossella, who swore he would never ever, ever, ever quit in a million years, is, uh, quitting. Apparently he wants to spend more time with his families.
CHEERS to free upgrades. At C&J, we believe in running our car into the ground before buying another. So when ours needed a couple of rusty patches fixed in order to pass its annual inspection (the car is otherwise in great shape), we said "Go for it." But when we got it back, we were surprised to find it had a pair of racing stripes along each side. "We had 'em lying around," said the auto body guy. "No charge." Gosh, thanks---because nothing says "mid-life crisis" like two aging queens driving around in a 16 year-old Honda civic with conspicuously fresh racing stripes. Please, next time make it a mini bar.
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One Year Ago in C&J: May 21, 2007...
CHEERS to squirting out the little shit. Y'know how sometimes you can sit down for a nice #2 and you push and push and push, and after a while you start sweating and hemorrhoids start poppin' up and you just keep on straining and pushing until your face turns all red and then...KABOOM!! Four days of pizza and Duncan Hines brownies explode out of your butt and your mom asks what the hell you're doing in there? That's what comes to mind when I think of Paul Wolfowitz's resignation yesterday. I'm exhausted and I'm glad it's over.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the lonely crusade of the ancient maverick. God bless John McCain. He's trying so hard to get rid of the practice of slipping earmarks into bills for pet projects. Because, of course, all earmarks are BAD, BAD, BAD! Take, for example, a worthless project up here in Maine that swallowed up dollars left and right---costing us boatloads of money just to build a thingamabob that sits and blinks all day. That's all it does! So we agree with John McCain when we say: Shame on you, George Washington, and your extravagant earmark for Portland Head Light! I mean, the damn thing doesn’t even work. "Father" of our country? I say, on behalf of John McCain: more like "Fleecer!" (But, uh, nice work on that whole revolution thing...)
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Oh, and please sign the petition to stop pornographic pandatry! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"It's possible that had there been no Robert Mondavi, there would be no Cheers and Jeers as we know it."
---Wine investor Vic Motto
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